STERLING BOUTIQUE - Jet Li Makes War

(STERLING BOUTIQUE, a continuing examination of Jet Li)


When Jet Li's Fearless was announced, it was widely reported that it would be Jet Li's last martial arts film. He would retire to focus on his more Buddhist pursuits, occassionally taking roles that would highlight his desire to bring a message of peace and tea-drinking to the masses. That being said, many of us were curious to see what his next role would bring.

WAR

That's right. When JET LI wants to bring peace to the masses, HE MAKES WAR. As the super reliable army of IMDB synopsis writers points out, the story of WAR is as follows:

"After his partner Tom Wynne (Terry Chen) and family are killed apparently by the infamous and elusive assassin Rogue (Jet Li), FBI agent Jack Crawford (Jason Statham) becomes obsessed with revenge as his world unravels into a vortex of guilt and betrayal. Rogue eventually resurfaces to settle a score of his own, setting off a bloody crime war between Asian mob rivals Chang (John Lone) of the Triad's and Yakuza boss Shiro (Ryo Ishibashi). When Jack and Rogue finally come face to face, the ultimate truth of their pasts will be revealed."

You see what I did there? THAT'S CALLED PADDING. The point is, that it's all Statham's fault.

JASON STATHAM.

Jason Statham first hit us in the faces with chin power when he showed up in Snatch. You can try to pretend like you saw him in Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, but you'd be a liar. You're not that cool. Nobody's that cool.

EXCEPT JET LI.

Jet Li saw this mass of Brit-man-mountain a mile away. AND HE SAW TROUBLE. You can't have Britons running around, Transporting, Snatching, Cranking, and Turning It Up. Jet Li doesn't approve of any of those things. Also, Jet Li kind of let it slide, but you can't expect to kill part of JET LI'S CHI and expect to not be PUT ON JET LI NOTICE. But Jet Li allowed it, because really, even if you lose a piece of infinity, you've still got infinity. AND JET LI HAS INFINITY POWER. Just like getting killed by MEL GIBSON, one of many things he has in common with Jesus, SENDING YU LAW TO THAT PRISON PLANET WAS ALL A RUSE.

At this point, you are asking, if Jet Li is so powerful, why would he need a ruse?

BECAUSE I JUST WANTED TO MAKE A PARAGRAPH FULL OF LINKS AND I COULDN'T THINK HOW TO END IT.

Long story short: JASON STATHAM HAD TO BE PUT DOWN. I'm just going to go ahead and ignore that JET LI is the so-called "bad guy" in WAR, since, if it's Jet Li's war, he gets to be whatever he wants, and the other guy is wrong be default. If you don't believe me, just hop over to Efficient Awesomeness and wait for the JET LI BOMB to drop. HE GONNA FUX A CELERY, HE GONNA FUX A STATHAM.

Let's not get off track.

Jet Li + Retirement = War (against Jason Statham).

RULE NUMBER ONE ABOUT JASON STATHAM: Jason Statham is a highly trained martial artist. Jason Statham is British. BRITISH PEOPLE CANNOT BE HIGHLY TRAINED MARTIAL ARTISTS AND JET LI KNOWS IT. British people have money, power, and tea. JET LI has all the kung fu. If a British person suddenly had kung fu, it would be like Rosa Parks never put flowers on that tank. It would be 1863 all over again. I speak of the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the Force. NOT THE KID FROM LIFE AS A HOUSE, I MEAN JET LI.


Bear with me as I crunch some numbers at you.

At the end of that classic film, The One, there were two Jet Li's. There was good Jet Li, who got to bone that lady from Sin City, and there was bad Jet Li (only bad relative to good Jet Li), who got to bone that prison planet full of bad guys for all time. BOTH JET LI'S APPROVED OF THIS SITUATION. But there was also STATHAM.

STATHAM had all of Jet Li's strengths, and none of his weaknesses, by which we mean he isn't short, isn't Asian, and he can speak English. So JET LI deigned to chill for a while, FAKE GO INTO RETIREMENT (taking care of that question) and see what this STATHAM would do with his powers. Perhaps the mantle could VERY BRIEFLY BE PASSED to this White Devil, at least until that Tony Jaa kid learned more English.

But what did THE STATHAM do? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HE DID.

He transported a mean machine to London where he fired off a revolver causing massive collateral damage. In the ensuing chaos, he snorted crank, did a job in Italy, planned a job in Brazil, and knocked over a bank, all in the name of the king while using up his cellular anytime minutes talking the Pink Panther into setting up a Death Race. He claims he was just answering the call of duty.

BUT JET LI KNEW BETTER.

For JET LI, the die had been cast.

FOR ANYONE WHO READ EVERYTHING BEFORE NOW, SORRY, HERE'S THE PART WHERE IT'S EXPLAINED WHY FEARLESS WASN'T JET LI'S LAST MARTIAL ARTS MOVIE.

GOLDEN RULE ABOUT JET LI RETIRING: Jet Li cannot retire until there is someone as good and strong as Good Jet Li in The One around to balance out the Bad Jet Li from The One. Since THE STATHAM lacked the moral Jet Li-itude to offset Bad Jet Li's bad Jet Li-tude, and since Tony Jaa can't talk English, GOOD JET LI FROM THE ONE HAD TO COME OUT OF RETIREMENT TO TAKE OUT THE STATHAM, WHO IS THROWING THE WHOLE THING OUT OF WHACK BY HAVING MORE BAD JET LI-ITUDE THAN GOOD.

So, in conclusion, Furcadia is the best game ever made. An earthquake or Godzilla attack just happened while I was writing this, so I have no idea what my original ending was going to be.

COMING SOON: FURCADIA - DESTROY ALL MONSTERS EDITION