In Bed - 10:21 PM
Awake - 7:15 AM
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Monday, August 13, 2007
I might as well put it here, since here, too, do we find traces of that thing called Internet, which this story is reportedly "all over."
In a recent article, on the Elle website, Terence Howard, or as his friends call him, Big Daddy Love, said a few things that were construed as being completely bat-shit insane.
PARAPHRASED LIST OF GREATEST HITS
- Believes you should only date women who look like you, because your reflection is the most beautiful thing in the world.
- Pencil moustache.
- If a woman doesn't clean herself with baby wipes, she is unclean.
- Pre-Marital Sex = Dirty Sin Time
- Your reflection is the most beautiful thing on the planet.
BACK OFF, CRACKA, THAT FOO IS RIGHT!
If crusading for a cleaner cooter is wrong, I don't want to be right. I don't want no stink in my pink. I don't want any lettuce on my cheeseburger. No oil in my blood furnace. No Lincoln Log in my Lego set.
TERENCE HOWARD IS THE MOST PATRIOTIC MAN ALIVE. His message of peace and clean piche is exactly what this country needs. How can we expect to win the war at home, on drugs, and against crime, if our mothers, our sisters, our daughters, are all walking around with flakes of doody-sauce floating around their ladyholes? If the sweet-sweet core of America is tainted with t'aint sewage, the whole thing becomes a lie. American Dream? Keep dreaming, you're logjammed in a bog of bottomsauce.
NOW, before you go getting all loco, I would like to clarify...stuff.
The man doesn't want you to ONLY use baby wipes. That'd lead to a steamy jungle of yeasty disaster (and intrigue). Angry girlnerds and Indignant Motherwomen have been going all Science about this for a few days now. Terence "The Fridge" Howard doesn't expect that you'll wipe up with a wetnap and then let the residual moisture just sit there while you pull up your chonies, turning the whole affair into gazpacho. That leads to a "freshness problem," you know... "down there." No, you wet it clean, then dry it dry. Simple enough. Let the wet-thing and traditional TP work together in harmony. If our Motherwomen and sistergirls can't figure this out, 'murrica's in bigger trouble than I thought.
And about his other points.
I don't think that pre-marital sex is inherently dirty. Of course, it's a different story if we're talking about with a crustified old prostitute from behind those dumpsters downtown. You know the kind, with the honey bear that hasn't been closed tightly enough, so you get all that old honey caked around the outside. That's pretty dirty. But if you're not emptying that honey pot, by all means, pound it 'til it stinks and her daddy makes you honest.
I, also, don't think the best match for a person is somebody who looks exactly like them. T-Dog McHoward holds firmly the belief that things didn't work out with his wife because she didn't share his facial characteristics. No offense to the towering institution of American greatness and manhood (aside from that crying while being laughed at by girls thing) that is Mr. Howard, but I don't think a woman that looks like him would exactly be the best thing.
I know, right?
HOWEVER, that whole bit about reflections? I agree completely. My reflection IS the most beautiful thing in the world. I can, and do, stare at it all day.
Let's just hope T-Hizzle doesn't get turned into a vampire.
HE WOULD BE FUK'D, LOL!
SCIENCE. The science of baby wipes. Let it work for you.
Because, you know who liked his women unwashed? Napoleon. And that dude was French.
And you KNOW what we say about the French.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
THE SIMPSONS MOVIE
C Tango Reports
It exists. To add some legitimacy to the following proceedings:
Since the FILM'S release, the collected network of hip-co-joined grandmothers that we call The Internet has been abuzz with the sound of angry nerds everywhere crying both "WOSRT EPISODE EVER!" and "STFU I LOVED IT!"
But how does this massive behemoth (I linked to that band because they sat next to me on an airplane a few weeks ago. The stewardess kept giggling at them and chatting them up.)...RESTARTING THIS SENTENCE DUE TO PARENTHETICAL SIDE-BUSTING.
The truth about The Simpson's movie: You will laugh. You will just not laugh non-stop. The problems with the movie aren't the movie's fault, but the state of The Simpsons overall. You feel like you are being told jokes about the characters, instead of their actions, dialogue, or circumstances being inherently funny, and too many moments of realization are either forced, or simply untrue to the characters.
This is because, as I've mentioned, the current State of The Simpsons is that the show itself is now an endless stream of gags, usually topical, but rarely forming into a coherent and compelling narrative arc. Even Family Guy generally has a more carefully structured plot, these days.
THE WAY THE SIMPSONS USED TO BE WHEN WE LOVED IT:
It's been swished around The Internet over and over, like the apple juice you're pretending to get drunk off of while pouring real drinks into some chubby girl so she'll have it off with you, but somewhere in the mid-90's, The Simpsons stopped having stories.
Originally, The Simpsons was a fairly standard family comedy/drama, with heavy and light moments, all laced with biting wit and social commentary, and heightened by the freedom and stylization of the animated medium. It was a platform to address issues, without LOOKING like it was addressing issues, and an all around send-up of American circumstance. Each episode was ABOUT SOMETHING, be it nuclear power, familial responsibility, pressure at school, juicing it up Bonds-style, or even the ever-applicable issue of cannibalism.
PROBLEMS WITH THE MOVIE:
The biggest problem with the movie is that The Simpsons is, and should stay, a TV show. Too much of the movie feels like gag-filled filler while the writers try to stretch their plot to the requisite feature-length. Unfortunately, these writers, while being some of the, historically, best of The Simpsons writers, are not accustomed to using these characters on such a broad canvas. In an attempt to remedy this, they've added a lot of computer graphics, explosions, and Alaskas. The sad truth, however, is that they've actually done more epic feeling stories ON THE SHOW, without all the showy camera moves. The end product feels bloated and awkward.
And then there's the characterization. As I've kind of already alluded to, in what will surely become another, powerhouse, run-on article, the characters are no longer being written from the standpoint of "what would this character do" but that of "what do we WANT this character to do". When Bart goes over to the Flanders side, it's not because Bart would actually get that fed up with Homer, but because it made a convenient, and distracting, plot point, at a time in the movie when they were still trying to find ways to justify all the things they wanted to happen later on. When Marge leaves Homer by taping over their wedding video, it's an obvious attempt to recreate the drama of earlier episodes, but it rings false.
BUT IS IT FUNNY?
Well, yes, it is. In the sequences where they are actually able to overcome the ADD they've developed in the last 10 years, the creators are able to hit a number of high notes. One of the most masterfully executed being an extended skateboarding sequence in which Bart, on a dare, rides through Springfield naked, with any number of strangely-plausible, yet still too-conveniently placed, items and characters blocking our full view of Bart's pen fifteen (write it out on your hand with a Sharpie to see what I mean, but don't write "fifteen," write the numbers. Giggle.), until a full reveal you knew in your heart of hearts that you always wanted to see. It got the biggest laugh in the theater I was in, and deservedly so. There's another hilarious moment with Cletus, later on, that stands as one of my favorite, but it'd take longer to explain than actually see.
SO SHOULD YOU SEE THE MOVIE: Does it matter what I say? The movies been out for weeks now. This review is hardly relevant. In fact, if you haven't seen it yet, you're pretty much a loser, and you probably considered that apple juice trick up there something actually worth trying out.
But do go see the movie. Despite it's flaws, it's funny ENOUGH. And expect the Spider-Pig thing to get a huge laugh, even though everyone in the audience has already seen it 60 times in the ads. Sociologists can figure that one out.
Friday, August 10, 2007
RULE NUMBER THREE FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: Fly to China.
At this point, you will have experienced tumors, bandages, and maybe even a naked midget. IT'S TIME TO GO TO CHINA. Going to China is important because it will remind you how vibrant and full of life the World of Warcraft is. China is a dreary, soul-crushing expanse of low-low prices and high-high-class art galleries (which are in a basement). But if you're really committed to quitting World of Warcraft, China does have one thing that your country doesn't.
GIRLS. If you've been reading your History books, you'll know that every girl in the world comes from China, just like ceramic dinnerware and pencils. Well, pencils might actually be HECHO IN MEXICO, but let's not get crazy. You may be thinking, "C Tango, you've gone almost a whole paragraph without mentioning World of Warcraft." That's right, Chemo-wasabe, and you will too, that's what the girl you will purchase in China is for.
GOLDEN RULE ABOUT GIRLS FROM CHINA: They will get angry at you for playing World of Warcraft and forgetting to place an international call to their cell phone. They will also get angry at you for sleeping even though there is a 14 hour time difference and you have work in the morning.
AHA, you may be thinking, so I'm to go to China, purchase a girl, fly back to America after promising to call her and write her everyday, get a job so I can buy a plane ticket for her to come visit, all the while coordinating with my best friend, WHO IS STILL LIVING IN CHINA, so that the girl I purchased can acquire a Visa to come visit the U.S.? And this will let me quit playing World of Warcraft?
But it's the start. See, coordinating phone calls in a long-distance relationship is one thing. Co-ordinating them while your purchased girl is still in China AND you play World of Warcraft, THAT IS SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY. You should be experiencing massive fatigue and dry mouth, during this time of your life, as the most important rule for quitting World of Warcraft becomes apparent.
GOLDEN RULE ABOUT WORLD OF WARCRAFT: It is a full time job, but somebody has to do it. And that somebody is you. By now you will have been playing "WoW" for about a year. THIS IS NORMAL AND HEALTHY, AS IS THE EXTREME DEGREE TO WHICH YOU IDENTIFY WITH YOUR CHARACTER. However, you went and bought a girl, completely on a whim, on your last day in China, and you've never owned a girl before, so you're really excited about her, and you want to keep her and bring her to you, BUT YOU ALSO WANT TO PLAY WORLD OF WARCRAFT.
RULE NUMBER FOUR FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: Get rid of your girl.
I don't mean in the Pimptacular way, I mean have her fail her Visa interview. This will allow you to break up with your girl over the phone, while she plays guitar to you and cries, having only been with her that one night, right before you got on the plane back to America. Be sure to stay on the phone way longer than is decent or natural. THIS IS NORMAL. Console yourself, while you sit staring at the wall, listening to her cry, that pretty soon you will be back flaying Orcs and slaying Boars.
GOLDEN RULE ABOUT BREAKING UP OVER THE PHONE WITH THE GIRL YOU GOT WITH IN CHINA: There are boars of every level. There is no level in the game where you cannot just go out and "kill boars." This is the key to World of Warcraft's allure and success.
At this point, you will realize that the article has been more about the girl you got with in China, and less about actually quitting World of Warcraft. QUITTING WOW IS A FULL-TIME JOB, AND YOU NEED TO GET BACK TO IT.
Begin making static noises with your mouth. This is the international signal that you are "breaking up." This will signal the girl to stop playing her guitar and go out onto her balcony. Tell her that, no, it's still not better, you think it's your phone. Go outside. Tell her there is nothing you can do to fix it, and then make even louder noises. This will signal the end of the conversation as you completely break up. QUITTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WAS A DRY RUN FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT. YOU SHOULD NOW FEEL MUCH MORE CONFIDENT IN YOUR ABILITY TO QUIT THINGS.
SIT BACK DOWN AT YOUR COMPUTER. A wave of relief will wash over you as you realize that you will now have much more free time to devote to quitting World of Warcraft. Only one thing could make this moment complete.
RULE NUMBER FIVE FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: Quit your job.
Since you've got all that QUITTING MOMENTUM from quitting your girl, why not call up your employer? Tell them you're having trouble with your roommates and you're frantically searching for a new place to live. Tell them one of the guys said he was paying rent, but he hadn't been, and now you're all getting evicted because he hid the notice. MAKE SURE YOU SAY THIS IN THE OTHER ROOM SO YOUR MOM CAN'T HEAR YOU. At this point, your conversation should be headed here:
YOU: Yeah, so, I'm not sure I'll be able to come in for a few days. I've got to move all my stuff to storage while I look for a new place.
EMPLOYER: Well, I hate to hear it, but I understand there is nothing you can do. You can't even come in this afternoon?
YOU: I don't know, it really depends. My friend is supposed to be bringing his truck over, but he doesn't get off until 5. I've just been packing all day.
EMPLOYER: We have you scheduled through the end of the week. Do you think you'll make it in on Thursday?
YOU: I hope so. I'll give you a call as soon as I know anything.
Hang up the phone. NEVER CALL YOUR EMPLOYER AGAIN. When he tries to call back, have your Mom say, "This is the landlord....oh, no, he doesn't live her anymore, sorry. No, I don't have a number for him." After she gets off the phone, she will look at you disapprovingly. This is normal. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU CAN NOW FOCUS ON QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT FULL-TIME.
Upon returning to World of Warcraft, you will notice that you have WASTED SO MUCH TIME. People will be running dungeons. They were going to ask you to go, but you weren't online. THANK GOD YOU HAVE MORE FREE TIME NOW. Things like this shouldn't happen anymore. You hunker down to complete all of your Dungeon quests.
RULE NUMBER SIX FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: You need to run every dungeon at least 8 times. This will help you level up and make sure you have all the proper gear to continue leveling up. IT IS IMPORTANT TO GET ALL THE BEST GEAR FOR YOUR LEVEL SO YOU CAN REPLACE IT IN THREE LEVELS.
This will begin your Golden Age of Warcraft. Freed of the trivial concerns of everyday life, your days will consist of the following:
- Waking up at 3 PM.
- Eating a Hot Pocket.
- Questing for 16 hours.
- Dancing on a mailbox.
- Going to sleep.
- Dreaming about World of Warcraft.
RULE NUMBER SEVEN FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: Create another character. This is your "alt." Having an alt lets you play another class, just to see what it's like. You can also send things to it to free up room in your bags.
FREEING UP ROOM IN YOUR BAGS IS VERY IMPORTANT FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT.
By this point, your parents should have kicked you out of the house. You will be living on a couch in a living room. Someone will ask you to be the Director of Photography for their student film. You will probably do a fantastic job. This will lead to another job and BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED WOW IN 5 MONTHS. Once the second film is over, be sure to drink and party every night. You will not have a choice, BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN A LIVING ROOM AND THAT'S WHERE PARTIES HAPPEN.
Before long, everyone will begin to focus on Finals. DO NOT PANIC, YOU ARE NOT IN COLLEGE. Be sure to watch TV a lot. You will begin to wonder why you are so bored at night. You remember that you had to uninstall World of Warcraft to make room for some movie footage.
RULE NUMBER EIGHT FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: Re-install World of Warcraft.
That was a close one. You almost quit World of Warcraft without even realizing it. Quitting World of Warcraft must be done at the proper pace and in the proper time. Be sure to get all of your friends to play again, because they will most likely have been more responsible than you and stopped playing without your constant calls telling them to log on and "run ZF."
This period is what is known as the Second Renaissance.
Even though you are now living on a couch with less than $15 dollars a week, you will find that you are playing World of Warcraft more than ever. This will lend a sense of urgency to your questing and lead to unprecedented productivity. You will even finish all your quests in Sunken Temple. Your friends will pick up on your sense of urgency and somehow out-level you, even though you're the one who got them to play in the first place.
RULE NUMBER NINE FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: Use MySpace to compulsively hit on the Assistant Director from the movie you just finished.
This will lead to a scandalous adventure into debauchery. When she asks you if it means you are a couple, be sure to say, "Yes."
GOLDEN RULE ABOUT QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT (did we already have one?): Living with your girlfriend is the most important step to quitting World of Warcraft. That's why it's a Rule and not a Step, even though I just called it a Step. There has only been one actual Step between both of these articles, and that was Step One, which was buy World of Warcraft.
SIDE-NOTE ABOUT LIVING ON A COUCH: If you are living on a couch, it is because you don't like having a day job. If you don't like having a day job, there is only one way to get off the couch. HAVE A GIRL ASK YOU TO MOVE IN WITH HER. This is not that hard, but if you can't make it happen, you do not deserve to quit World of Warcraft. (For hints on how to get a girl to ask you to move in with her, see the image at the top of this article.)
Make sure the girl still has at least one more year of college. This will let you live with her in secret, because her parents are hundreds of miles away and don't realize they are paying rent for two people. If they come to visit, be sure to stay with friends and to hide your computer in the hall closet.
BE SURE TO MAKE HER HOUSEMATE HATE YOU SO YOU ARE FORCED TO MOVE. When she has to explain to her parents why she has to move, make sure the conversation goes something like this:
HER: I don't know, she said she was paying rent, but I guess now she can't. I can't afford this place on my own, so I found a new place....YES, I can do that on my own....My movie friends are helping me....NO, I don't need you to come up....I don't know, it really depends. My friend is supposed to be bringing his truck over, but he doesn't get off until 5. I've just been packing all day.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU NOW HAVE YOUR OWN ROOM AND A YEAR TO QUIT WORLD OF WARCRAFT!
Important Things To Do During This Time:
- Look for a job once a month.
- Order a lot of pizza.
- Start, and completely level, 6 other characters.
- Notice the poor circulation in your left arm.
- Sleep 5 hours a night.
- Dream about WoW 5 hours a night.
- Wake up after 5 hours because you have things to finish in WoW.
- Join a bigger guild.
- Run ZG.
- Hear your guild's voices in your sleep.
- Remind everyone that you can quit anytime, but you don't want to because it's cheaper than going to the movies all the time.
YOU DECIDE TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR FATE AND QUIT WORLD OF WARCRAFT. You tell everyone that you will NOT be buying the Expansion Pack. You look forward to making a clean break and finally getting some sleep, a job to help pay the rent, and spending quality time with your girlfriend. But you forgot one thing.
QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT IS NOT YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE.
You will now take a short hiatus from playing World of Warcraft. You will randomly download any number of free, Korean-made, MMORPGS (that's an acronym for game with a lot of people on an Internet), all of which are poor, Methadone-like, substitutions for WoW. Your girlfriend will point this out. You realize you can stop playing these games, which are just as time consuming as World of Warcraft, OR:
RULE NUMBER TEN FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: After loudly proclaiming to your guild that you will not be buying the Expansion Pack, BUY THE EXPANSION PACK. Be sure to create and fully level at least 3 more characters. This should only take about 6 more months. Be sure to get your girlfriend to start playing because you think it will make her stop complaining that you play too much. HANG YOUR HEAD when you realize all her playing means is that you NOW HAVE TO HELP HER LEVEL. Be sure to recruit her brother, too.
IF YOU READ THIS WHOLE THING, SORRY, HERE'S THE PART WHERE YOU REALLY LEARN HOW TO QUIT WORLD OF WARCRAFT.
Things You Need To Do To Quit World of Warcraft:
- Don't have any money of your own.
- Have your girlfriend graduate college. This will make her parents come and move her out of the room you have been sharing, even though they don't know that she even has a boyfriend. Be sure to hide your things before they come.
- Be completely cut off from World of Warcraft for three weeks while you live at your friend's parents' house.
- Decide to move to Hollywood even though you have no job prospects or money.
- Don't have enough money to keep playing World of Warcraft.
THE REAL GOLDEN RULE FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: Anyone in the habit of playing World of Warcraft every day CANNOT STOP playing, at least not on their own. World of Warcraft supplies an endless series of short-term goals, making it seem possible to beat the game if you just keep at it. IT IS NOT POSSIBLE BECAUSE BY THE TIME YOU ACCOMPLISH THOSE GOALS, THEY HAVE ADDED NEW GOALS, MAKING THE REWARDS FROM THE OLD GOALS OBSOLETE.
By this point, the majority of your social contact comes from the game, and your priorities are those of the game world. You will suffer from an extreme feeling of being left behind, and will constantly engage in menial tasks on the assumption that they will lead to making your character more powerful.
YOU WILL BE CONSUMED WITH IMPROVING YOUR PERFORMANCE BY FRACTIONS OF A PERCENT, AND YOU WILL CEASE TO THINK ABOUT ANYTHING BUT THE GAME, EVEN WHILE YOU SLEEP. No matter what you THINK you want to do each day, you will wake up and sign onto WoW before you even realize it.
WORLD OF WARCRAFT IS NOT ADDICTIVE, YOU CAN QUIT ANYTIME.
THE ONLY WAY TO QUIT WORLD OF WARCRAFT IS TO BE FORCED INTO CIRCUMSTANCES WHERE YOU CANNOT PLAY FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME. Do not be surprised if you see a dead baby crawling on the ceiling. There is a word for this time:
If this does not happen, you will not quit playing.
In conclusion: WORLD OF WARCRAFT IS A DRUG AND THE ONLY WAY TO QUIT IS TO TREAT IT LIKE ONE.
Just like The Lord of the Rings.
"Oh, that's a good melon."
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
(STERLING BOUTIQUE, a continuing examination of Jet Li)
When Jet Li's Fearless was announced, it was widely reported that it would be Jet Li's last martial arts film. He would retire to focus on his more Buddhist pursuits, occassionally taking roles that would highlight his desire to bring a message of peace and tea-drinking to the masses. That being said, many of us were curious to see what his next role would bring.
That's right. When JET LI wants to bring peace to the masses, HE MAKES WAR. As the super reliable army of IMDB synopsis writers points out, the story of WAR is as follows:
"After his partner Tom Wynne (Terry Chen) and family are killed apparently by the infamous and elusive assassin Rogue (Jet Li), FBI agent Jack Crawford (Jason Statham) becomes obsessed with revenge as his world unravels into a vortex of guilt and betrayal. Rogue eventually resurfaces to settle a score of his own, setting off a bloody crime war between Asian mob rivals Chang (John Lone) of the Triad's and Yakuza boss Shiro (Ryo Ishibashi). When Jack and Rogue finally come face to face, the ultimate truth of their pasts will be revealed."
You see what I did there? THAT'S CALLED PADDING. The point is, that it's all Statham's fault.
Jason Statham first hit us in the faces with chin power when he showed up in Snatch. You can try to pretend like you saw him in Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, but you'd be a liar. You're not that cool. Nobody's that cool.
EXCEPT JET LI.
Jet Li saw this mass of Brit-man-mountain a mile away. AND HE SAW TROUBLE. You can't have Britons running around, Transporting, Snatching, Cranking, and Turning It Up. Jet Li doesn't approve of any of those things. Also, Jet Li kind of let it slide, but you can't expect to kill part of JET LI'S CHI and expect to not be PUT ON JET LI NOTICE. But Jet Li allowed it, because really, even if you lose a piece of infinity, you've still got infinity. AND JET LI HAS INFINITY POWER. Just like getting killed by MEL GIBSON, one of many things he has in common with Jesus, SENDING YU LAW TO THAT PRISON PLANET WAS ALL A RUSE.
At this point, you are asking, if Jet Li is so powerful, why would he need a ruse?
BECAUSE I JUST WANTED TO MAKE A PARAGRAPH FULL OF LINKS AND I COULDN'T THINK HOW TO END IT.
Long story short: JASON STATHAM HAD TO BE PUT DOWN. I'm just going to go ahead and ignore that JET LI is the so-called "bad guy" in WAR, since, if it's Jet Li's war, he gets to be whatever he wants, and the other guy is wrong be default. If you don't believe me, just hop over to Efficient Awesomeness and wait for the JET LI BOMB to drop. HE GONNA FUX A CELERY, HE GONNA FUX A STATHAM.
Let's not get off track.
Jet Li + Retirement = War (against Jason Statham).
RULE NUMBER ONE ABOUT JASON STATHAM: Jason Statham is a highly trained martial artist. Jason Statham is British. BRITISH PEOPLE CANNOT BE HIGHLY TRAINED MARTIAL ARTISTS AND JET LI KNOWS IT. British people have money, power, and tea. JET LI has all the kung fu. If a British person suddenly had kung fu, it would be like Rosa Parks never put flowers on that tank. It would be 1863 all over again. I speak of the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the Force. NOT THE KID FROM LIFE AS A HOUSE, I MEAN JET LI.
Bear with me as I crunch some numbers at you.
At the end of that classic film, The One, there were two Jet Li's. There was good Jet Li, who got to bone that lady from Sin City, and there was bad Jet Li (only bad relative to good Jet Li), who got to bone that prison planet full of bad guys for all time. BOTH JET LI'S APPROVED OF THIS SITUATION. But there was also STATHAM.
STATHAM had all of Jet Li's strengths, and none of his weaknesses, by which we mean he isn't short, isn't Asian, and he can speak English. So JET LI deigned to chill for a while, FAKE GO INTO RETIREMENT (taking care of that question) and see what this STATHAM would do with his powers. Perhaps the mantle could VERY BRIEFLY BE PASSED to this White Devil, at least until that Tony Jaa kid learned more English.
But what did THE STATHAM do? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HE DID.
He transported a mean machine to London where he fired off a revolver causing massive collateral damage. In the ensuing chaos, he snorted crank, did a job in Italy, planned a job in Brazil, and knocked over a bank, all in the name of the king while using up his cellular anytime minutes talking the Pink Panther into setting up a Death Race. He claims he was just answering the call of duty.
BUT JET LI KNEW BETTER.
For JET LI, the die had been cast.
FOR ANYONE WHO READ EVERYTHING BEFORE NOW, SORRY, HERE'S THE PART WHERE IT'S EXPLAINED WHY FEARLESS WASN'T JET LI'S LAST MARTIAL ARTS MOVIE.
GOLDEN RULE ABOUT JET LI RETIRING: Jet Li cannot retire until there is someone as good and strong as Good Jet Li in The One around to balance out the Bad Jet Li from The One. Since THE STATHAM lacked the moral Jet Li-itude to offset Bad Jet Li's bad Jet Li-tude, and since Tony Jaa can't talk English, GOOD JET LI FROM THE ONE HAD TO COME OUT OF RETIREMENT TO TAKE OUT THE STATHAM, WHO IS THROWING THE WHOLE THING OUT OF WHACK BY HAVING MORE BAD JET LI-ITUDE THAN GOOD.
So, in conclusion, Furcadia is the best game ever made. An earthquake or Godzilla attack just happened while I was writing this, so I have no idea what my original ending was going to be.
COMING SOON: FURCADIA - DESTROY ALL MONSTERS EDITION
STEP ONE: BUY WORLD OF WARCRAFT
After you've bought World of Warcraft, install it. Be sure to sign up for the month-to-month plan so you CAN QUIT ANYTIME. When your friends roll their eyes at you, remind them that you CAN QUIT ANYTIME.
WHAT TO EXPECT: Upon first loading the game, you will get to make a character. BE SURE TO PICK YOUR CHARACTER BASED ENTIRELY ON THE COOLNESS OF THE NAME OF IT'S CLASS. I picked "Warrior." Bad ass, I know, right? You can attempt to read the little class bios, but all they will tell you is that EVERY CLASS SUCKS BUT THE ONE THAT SOUNDED COOL.
Next, you will be dumped in the starting area for the race you've selected. If you wanted to be COOL, you undoubtedly picked NIGHT ELVES because you thought LEGOLAS WAS AWESOME. If YOU're an EMO, then you probably picked UNDEAD. If you're an idiot, you made a HUMAN MALE, and congratulations, you are now shaped like a 36 year-old computer programmer. Whatever you pick, be sure to take pride in the fact that only five other people in your starting area picked the same hair as you. BEING UNIQUE IS WHAT WORLD OF WARCRAFT IS ALL ABOUT.
I'm just going to assume you picked a Night Elf Male Warrior because I don't have time for any of this garbage, and, to reiterate, LEGOLAS WAS AWESOME. You will start off in a forest area with some boars and stuff to kill.
RULE NUMBER ONE FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: KILL THE BOARS.
After killing like 7 or 12 boars or something, you will LEVEL UP.
OH MY GOD, EASY, RIGHT?
Right. The first step to quitting World of Warcraft is realize that you can easily burn through the first few levels by just killing boars and little goblins.
So you get to level 12 and wow, this is starting to feel epic, right? Too bad none of your friends are joining in the fun. IT COULD BE JUST LIKE LORD OF THE RINGS.
RULE NUMBER TWO FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: RECRUIT ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS.
In my case, this meant walking people down to the computer store and physically making sure that they bought the game.
SIDE-NOTE ABOUT RULE NUMBER TWO: You will need good reasons to get your friends to play, since they will be more responsible than you, and responsible people don't like things that have monthly fees.
- If you only play World of Warcaft, you don't spend as much money on going to the movies, eating out, gas.
- It has pretty colors.
- The world is huge.
- IT IS FREAKING EPIC JUST LIKE LORD OF THE RINGS.
- You can ride a tiger.
At this point, your friends should cave in. Be sure to RECRUIT DURING SUMMER, when they are less likely to have things to do.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE WELL ON YOUR WAY TO QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT!
Now that you have made all of your friends pick Legolas characters too, it's time to get down to some hardcore adventurin'. Many wondrous sights and experiences await you!
-------Some Exciting Things You Will Adventure At
- A waterfall.
- Higher level boars.
- A pine cone.
- An old book.
- A man who wants you to bring him a pine cone and an old book.
- Road signs.
- A tumor.
In short, all of the things you loved about THE LORD OF THE RINGS.