Monday, August 13, 2007

In Defense of Terence Howard

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I might as well put it here, since here, too, do we find traces of that thing called Internet, which this story is reportedly "all over."
In a recent article, on the Elle website, Terence Howard, or as his friends call him, Big Daddy Love, said a few things that were construed as being completely bat-shit insane.


  • Believes you should only date women who look like you, because your reflection is the most beautiful thing in the world.
  • Pencil moustache.
  • If a woman doesn't clean herself with baby wipes, she is unclean.
  • Pre-Marital Sex = Dirty Sin Time
  • Your reflection is the most beautiful thing on the planet.
Now, you must be thinking, "He forces women to use baby wipes, if they do not already? How controlling! How manipulative! What a pig!"


If crusading for a cleaner cooter is wrong, I don't want to be right. I don't want no stink in my pink. I don't want any lettuce on my cheeseburger. No oil in my blood furnace. No Lincoln Log in my Lego set.

TERENCE HOWARD IS THE MOST PATRIOTIC MAN ALIVE. His message of peace and clean piche is exactly what this country needs. How can we expect to win the war at home, on drugs, and against crime, if our mothers, our sisters, our daughters, are all walking around with flakes of doody-sauce floating around their ladyholes? If the sweet-sweet core of America is tainted with t'aint sewage, the whole thing becomes a lie. American Dream? Keep dreaming, you're logjammed in a bog of bottomsauce.

NOW, before you go getting all loco, I would like to clarify...stuff.

The man doesn't want you to ONLY use baby wipes. That'd lead to a steamy jungle of yeasty disaster (and intrigue). Angry girlnerds and Indignant Motherwomen have been going all Science about this for a few days now. Terence "The Fridge" Howard doesn't expect that you'll wipe up with a wetnap and then let the residual moisture just sit there while you pull up your chonies, turning the whole affair into gazpacho. That leads to a "freshness problem," you know... "down there." No, you wet it clean, then dry it dry. Simple enough. Let the wet-thing and traditional TP work together in harmony. If our Motherwomen and sistergirls can't figure this out, 'murrica's in bigger trouble than I thought.

And about his other points.

I don't think that pre-marital sex is inherently dirty. Of course, it's a different story if we're talking about with a crustified old prostitute from behind those dumpsters downtown. You know the kind, with the honey bear that hasn't been closed tightly enough, so you get all that old honey caked around the outside. That's pretty dirty. But if you're not emptying that honey pot, by all means, pound it 'til it stinks and her daddy makes you honest.

I, also, don't think the best match for a person is somebody who looks exactly like them. T-Dog McHoward holds firmly the belief that things didn't work out with his wife because she didn't share his facial characteristics. No offense to the towering institution of American greatness and manhood (aside from that crying while being laughed at by girls thing) that is Mr. Howard, but I don't think a woman that looks like him would exactly be the best thing.


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I know, right?

HOWEVER, that whole bit about reflections? I agree completely. My reflection IS the most beautiful thing in the world. I can, and do, stare at it all day.

Let's just hope T-Hizzle doesn't get turned into a vampire.


The science of baby wipes. Let it work for you.

Because, you know who liked his women unwashed? Napoleon. And that dude was French.

And you KNOW what we say about the French.

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