How To Quit World of Warcraft - Part I

STEP ONE: BUY WORLD OF WARCRAFT

After you've bought World of Warcraft, install it. Be sure to sign up for the month-to-month plan so you CAN QUIT ANYTIME. When your friends roll their eyes at you, remind them that you CAN QUIT ANYTIME.

WHAT TO EXPECT: Upon first loading the game, you will get to make a character. BE SURE TO PICK YOUR CHARACTER BASED ENTIRELY ON THE COOLNESS OF THE NAME OF IT'S CLASS. I picked "Warrior." Bad ass, I know, right? You can attempt to read the little class bios, but all they will tell you is that EVERY CLASS SUCKS BUT THE ONE THAT SOUNDED COOL.

Next, you will be dumped in the starting area for the race you've selected. If you wanted to be COOL, you undoubtedly picked NIGHT ELVES because you thought LEGOLAS WAS AWESOME. If YOU're an EMO, then you probably picked UNDEAD. If you're an idiot, you made a HUMAN MALE, and congratulations, you are now shaped like a 36 year-old computer programmer. Whatever you pick, be sure to take pride in the fact that only five other people in your starting area picked the same hair as you. BEING UNIQUE IS WHAT WORLD OF WARCRAFT IS ALL ABOUT.

I'm just going to assume you picked a Night Elf Male Warrior because I don't have time for any of this garbage, and, to reiterate, LEGOLAS WAS AWESOME. You will start off in a forest area with some boars and stuff to kill.

RULE NUMBER ONE FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: KILL THE BOARS.

After killing like 7 or 12 boars or something, you will LEVEL UP.

OH MY GOD, EASY, RIGHT?

Right. The first step to quitting World of Warcraft is realize that you can easily burn through the first few levels by just killing boars and little goblins.

So you get to level 12 and wow, this is starting to feel epic, right? Too bad none of your friends are joining in the fun. IT COULD BE JUST LIKE LORD OF THE RINGS.

RULE NUMBER TWO FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: RECRUIT ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS.

In my case, this meant walking people down to the computer store and physically making sure that they bought the game.

SIDE-NOTE ABOUT RULE NUMBER TWO: You will need good reasons to get your friends to play, since they will be more responsible than you, and responsible people don't like things that have monthly fees.

-------REASONS

• If you only play World of Warcaft, you don't spend as much money on going to the movies, eating out, gas.
• It has pretty colors.
• The world is huge.
• IT IS FREAKING EPIC JUST LIKE LORD OF THE RINGS.
• You can ride a tiger.

At this point, your friends should cave in. Be sure to RECRUIT DURING SUMMER, when they are less likely to have things to do.

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE WELL ON YOUR WAY TO QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT!

Now that you have made all of your friends pick Legolas characters too, it's time to get down to some hardcore adventurin'. Many wondrous sights and experiences await you!

-------Some Exciting Things You Will Adventure At

• A waterfall.
• Higher level boars.
• A pine cone.
• An old book.
• A man who wants you to bring him a pine cone and an old book.
• Road signs.
• Flowers.
• A tumor.

In short, all of the things you loved about THE LORD OF THE RINGS.

COMING SOON: HOW TO QUIT WORLD OF WARCRAFT - PART II (QUITTING IN JUST TWO SHORT YEARS!!!) aka WoW vs. Girls