Getting Around Hollywood, In Style

RULE NUMBER ONE: Own a car.

Failing that, you can take the bus. Or do like I do, which is not leave my house. Assuming you are fool enough to actually go outside, HERE'S A BULLETIZED LIST, MFer!

IMPORTANT POINTS FOR GOING ANYWHERE IN LA:

• Check Google Maps (http://maps.google.com/maps) .
• Check the LA METRO SITE (http://www.mta.net/) to see if the Metro goes to the place you told Google Maps that you wanted to go.
• Make sure that the area you are going into doesn't have it's own, localized, service. This is important in case you get off the bus somewhere and think you will be able to do some light exploring and then try to get on the bus again, only to find that your Day Pass, PURCHASED SO INNOCENTLY, doesn't work. FOR EXAMPLE: Santa Monica's BIG BLUE BUS (http://www.bigbluebus.com/). More about the Big Blue Bus, and how it made me cry, later.
• Wear shoes.
• Don't walk anywhere. This earns you respect, and let's you keep all that hard-earned sweat you've been storing. Distances are deceptive here, they at once are smaller than they seem, and feel further than they are. Meaning, in a car, you think, GOSH this is taking FOREVER, when you've only gone a mile. If you walk that same mile, it takes about 10 minutes, BUT IT FEELS LIKE AN HOUR. Don't walk anywhere. You have the shoes just in case the Apocalypse comes and you have to drive a firetruck to save the First Lady from a crashed helicopter and drive her to a secret military installation where they had knowledge about the potential threat, in the form of a crash-landed alien, but it was "Totally Classified." Except for the First Lady part, I could be talking about either Independence Day OR Transformers. WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?!!?!?!

Honestly.