In Defense of Terence Howard

I might as well put it here, since here, too, do we find traces of that thing called Internet, which this story is reportedly "all over."
In a recent article, on the Elle website, Terence Howard, or as his friends call him, Big Daddy Love, said a few things that were construed as being completely bat-shit insane.

PARAPHRASED LIST OF GREATEST HITS

• Believes you should only date women who look like you, because your reflection is the most beautiful thing in the world.
• Pencil moustache.
• If a woman doesn't clean herself with baby wipes, she is unclean.
• Pre-Marital Sex = Dirty Sin Time
  
• Your reflection is the most beautiful thing on the planet.

Now, you must be thinking, "He forces women to use baby wipes, if they do not already? How controlling! How manipulative! What a pig!"

BACK OFF, CRACKA, THAT FOO IS RIGHT!

If crusading for a cleaner cooter is wrong, I don't want to be right. I don't want no stink in my pink. I don't want any lettuce on my cheeseburger. No oil in my blood furnace. No Lincoln Log in my Lego set.

TERENCE HOWARD IS THE MOST PATRIOTIC MAN ALIVE. His message of peace and clean piche is exactly what this country needs. How can we expect to win the war at home, on drugs, and against crime, if our mothers, our sisters, our daughters, are all walking around with flakes of doody-sauce floating around their ladyholes? If the sweet-sweet core of America is tainted with t'aint sewage, the whole thing becomes a lie. American Dream? Keep dreaming, you're logjammed in a bog of bottomsauce.

NOW, before you go getting all loco, I would like to clarify...stuff.

The man doesn't want you to ONLY use baby wipes. That'd lead to a steamy jungle of yeasty disaster (and intrigue). Angry girlnerds and Indignant Motherwomen have been going all Science about this for a few days now. Terence "The Fridge" Howard doesn't expect that you'll wipe up with a wetnap and then let the residual moisture just sit there while you pull up your chonies, turning the whole affair into gazpacho. That leads to a "freshness problem," you know... "down there." No, you wet it clean, then dry it dry. Simple enough. Let the wet-thing and traditional TP work together in harmony. If our Motherwomen and sistergirls can't figure this out, 'murrica's in bigger trouble than I thought.

And about his other points.

I don't think that pre-marital sex is inherently dirty. Of course, it's a different story if we're talking about with a crustified old prostitute from behind those dumpsters downtown. You know the kind, with the honey bear that hasn't been closed tightly enough, so you get all that old honey caked around the outside. That's pretty dirty. But if you're not emptying that honey pot, by all means, pound it 'til it stinks and her daddy makes you honest.

I, also, don't think the best match for a person is somebody who looks exactly like them. T-Dog McHoward holds firmly the belief that things didn't work out with his wife because she didn't share his facial characteristics. No offense to the towering institution of American greatness and manhood (aside from that crying while being laughed at by girls thing) that is Mr. Howard, but I don't think a woman that looks like him would exactly be the best thing.

EXAMPLE:



I know, right?

HOWEVER, that whole bit about reflections? I agree completely. My reflection IS the most beautiful thing in the world. I can, and do, stare at it all day.

Let's just hope T-Hizzle doesn't get turned into a vampire.

HE WOULD BE FUK'D, LOL!


SCIENCE. The science of baby wipes. Let it work for you.

Because, you know who liked his women unwashed? Napoleon. And that dude was French.

And you KNOW what we say about the French.

"The Simpsons Movie" - A Review in One Parts

THE SIMPSONS MOVIE
C Tango Reports

It exists. To add some legitimacy to the following proceedings:

*****SPOILER ALERT!!!!!ONE*****

Since the FILM'S release, the collected network of hip-co-joined grandmothers that we call The Internet has been abuzz with the sound of angry nerds everywhere crying both "WOSRT EPISODE EVER!" and "STFU I LOVED IT!"

But how does this massive behemoth (I linked to that band because they sat next to me on an airplane a few weeks ago. The stewardess kept giggling at them and chatting them up.)...RESTARTING THIS SENTENCE DUE TO PARENTHETICAL SIDE-BUSTING.

The truth about The Simpson's movie: You will laugh. You will just not laugh non-stop. The problems with the movie aren't the movie's fault, but the state of The Simpsons overall. You feel like you are being told jokes about the characters, instead of their actions, dialogue, or circumstances being inherently funny, and too many moments of realization are either forced, or simply untrue to the characters.

This is because, as I've mentioned, the current State of The Simpsons is that the show itself is now an endless stream of gags, usually topical, but rarely forming into a coherent and compelling narrative arc. Even Family Guy generally has a more carefully structured plot, these days.

THE WAY THE SIMPSONS USED TO BE WHEN WE LOVED IT:

It's been swished around The Internet over and over, like the apple juice you're pretending to get drunk off of while pouring real drinks into some chubby girl so she'll have it off with you, but somewhere in the mid-90's, The Simpsons stopped having stories.

Originally, The Simpsons was a fairly standard family comedy/drama, with heavy and light moments, all laced with biting wit and social commentary, and heightened by the freedom and stylization of the animated medium. It was a platform to address issues, without LOOKING like it was addressing issues, and an all around send-up of American circumstance. Each episode was ABOUT SOMETHING, be it nuclear power, familial responsibility, pressure at school, juicing it up Bonds-style, or even the ever-applicable issue of cannibalism.

PROBLEMS WITH THE MOVIE:

The biggest problem with the movie is that The Simpsons is, and should stay, a TV show. Too much of the movie feels like gag-filled filler while the writers try to stretch their plot to the requisite feature-length. Unfortunately, these writers, while being some of the, historically, best of The Simpsons writers, are not accustomed to using these characters on such a broad canvas. In an attempt to remedy this, they've added a lot of computer graphics, explosions, and Alaskas. The sad truth, however, is that they've actually done more epic feeling stories ON THE SHOW, without all the showy camera moves. The end product feels bloated and awkward.

And then there's the characterization. As I've kind of already alluded to, in what will surely become another, powerhouse, run-on article, the characters are no longer being written from the standpoint of "what would this character do" but that of "what do we WANT this character to do". When Bart goes over to the Flanders side, it's not because Bart would actually get that fed up with Homer, but because it made a convenient, and distracting, plot point, at a time in the movie when they were still trying to find ways to justify all the things they wanted to happen later on. When Marge leaves Homer by taping over their wedding video, it's an obvious attempt to recreate the drama of earlier episodes, but it rings false.

BUT IS IT FUNNY?

Well, yes, it is. In the sequences where they are actually able to overcome the ADD they've developed in the last 10 years, the creators are able to hit a number of high notes. One of the most masterfully executed being an extended skateboarding sequence in which Bart, on a dare, rides through Springfield naked, with any number of strangely-plausible, yet still too-conveniently placed, items and characters blocking our full view of Bart's pen fifteen (write it out on your hand with a Sharpie to see what I mean, but don't write "fifteen," write the numbers. Giggle.), until a full reveal you knew in your heart of hearts that you always wanted to see. It got the biggest laugh in the theater I was in, and deservedly so. There's another hilarious moment with Cletus, later on, that stands as one of my favorite, but it'd take longer to explain than actually see.

SO SHOULD YOU SEE THE MOVIE: Does it matter what I say? The movies been out for weeks now. This review is hardly relevant. In fact, if you haven't seen it yet, you're pretty much a loser, and you probably considered that apple juice trick up there something actually worth trying out.

But do go see the movie. Despite it's flaws, it's funny ENOUGH. And expect the Spider-Pig thing to get a huge laugh, even though everyone in the audience has already seen it 60 times in the ads. Sociologists can figure that one out.

How To Quit World of Warcraft - Part II: WoW vs. Girls

RULE NUMBER THREE FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: Fly to China.

At this point, you will have experienced tumors, bandages, and maybe even a naked midget. IT'S TIME TO GO TO CHINA. Going to China is important because it will remind you how vibrant and full of life the World of Warcraft is. China is a dreary, soul-crushing expanse of low-low prices and high-high-class art galleries (which are in a basement). But if you're really committed to quitting World of Warcraft, China does have one thing that your country doesn't.

GIRLS. If you've been reading your History books, you'll know that every girl in the world comes from China, just like ceramic dinnerware and pencils. Well, pencils might actually be HECHO IN MEXICO, but let's not get crazy. You may be thinking, "C Tango, you've gone almost a whole paragraph without mentioning World of Warcraft." That's right, Chemo-wasabe, and you will too, that's what the girl you will purchase in China is for.

GOLDEN RULE ABOUT GIRLS FROM CHINA: They will get angry at you for playing World of Warcraft and forgetting to place an international call to their cell phone. They will also get angry at you for sleeping even though there is a 14 hour time difference and you have work in the morning.

AHA, you may be thinking, so I'm to go to China, purchase a girl, fly back to America after promising to call her and write her everyday, get a job so I can buy a plane ticket for her to come visit, all the while coordinating with my best friend, WHO IS STILL LIVING IN CHINA, so that the girl I purchased can acquire a Visa to come visit the U.S.? And this will let me quit playing World of Warcraft?

NO.

But it's the start. See, coordinating phone calls in a long-distance relationship is one thing. Co-ordinating them while your purchased girl is still in China AND you play World of Warcraft, THAT IS SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY. You should be experiencing massive fatigue and dry mouth, during this time of your life, as the most important rule for quitting World of Warcraft becomes apparent.

GOLDEN RULE ABOUT WORLD OF WARCRAFT: It is a full time job, but somebody has to do it. And that somebody is you. By now you will have been playing "WoW" for about a year. THIS IS NORMAL AND HEALTHY, AS IS THE EXTREME DEGREE TO WHICH YOU IDENTIFY WITH YOUR CHARACTER. However, you went and bought a girl, completely on a whim, on your last day in China, and you've never owned a girl before, so you're really excited about her, and you want to keep her and bring her to you, BUT YOU ALSO WANT TO PLAY WORLD OF WARCRAFT.

RULE NUMBER FOUR FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: Get rid of your girl.

I don't mean in the Pimptacular way, I mean have her fail her Visa interview. This will allow you to break up with your girl over the phone, while she plays guitar to you and cries, having only been with her that one night, right before you got on the plane back to America. Be sure to stay on the phone way longer than is decent or natural. THIS IS NORMAL. Console yourself, while you sit staring at the wall, listening to her cry, that pretty soon you will be back flaying Orcs and slaying Boars.

GOLDEN RULE ABOUT BREAKING UP OVER THE PHONE WITH THE GIRL YOU GOT WITH IN CHINA: There are boars of every level. There is no level in the game where you cannot just go out and "kill boars." This is the key to World of Warcraft's allure and success.

At this point, you will realize that the article has been more about the girl you got with in China, and less about actually quitting World of Warcraft. QUITTING WOW IS A FULL-TIME JOB, AND YOU NEED TO GET BACK TO IT.

Begin making static noises with your mouth. This is the international signal that you are "breaking up." This will signal the girl to stop playing her guitar and go out onto her balcony. Tell her that, no, it's still not better, you think it's your phone. Go outside. Tell her there is nothing you can do to fix it, and then make even louder noises. This will signal the end of the conversation as you completely break up. QUITTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WAS A DRY RUN FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT. YOU SHOULD NOW FEEL MUCH MORE CONFIDENT IN YOUR ABILITY TO QUIT THINGS.

SIT BACK DOWN AT YOUR COMPUTER. A wave of relief will wash over you as you realize that you will now have much more free time to devote to quitting World of Warcraft. Only one thing could make this moment complete.

RULE NUMBER FIVE FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: Quit your job.

Since you've got all that QUITTING MOMENTUM from quitting your girl, why not call up your employer? Tell them you're having trouble with your roommates and you're frantically searching for a new place to live. Tell them one of the guys said he was paying rent, but he hadn't been, and now you're all getting evicted because he hid the notice. MAKE SURE YOU SAY THIS IN THE OTHER ROOM SO YOUR MOM CAN'T HEAR YOU. At this point, your conversation should be headed here:

YOU: Yeah, so, I'm not sure I'll be able to come in for a few days. I've got to move all my stuff to storage while I look for a new place.
EMPLOYER: Well, I hate to hear it, but I understand there is nothing you can do. You can't even come in this afternoon?
YOU: I don't know, it really depends. My friend is supposed to be bringing his truck over, but he doesn't get off until 5. I've just been packing all day.
EMPLOYER: We have you scheduled through the end of the week. Do you think you'll make it in on Thursday?
YOU: I hope so. I'll give you a call as soon as I know anything.

Hang up the phone. NEVER CALL YOUR EMPLOYER AGAIN. When he tries to call back, have your Mom say, "This is the landlord....oh, no, he doesn't live her anymore, sorry. No, I don't have a number for him." After she gets off the phone, she will look at you disapprovingly. This is normal. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU CAN NOW FOCUS ON QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT FULL-TIME.

Upon returning to World of Warcraft, you will notice that you have WASTED SO MUCH TIME. People will be running dungeons. They were going to ask you to go, but you weren't online. THANK GOD YOU HAVE MORE FREE TIME NOW. Things like this shouldn't happen anymore. You hunker down to complete all of your Dungeon quests.

RULE NUMBER SIX FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: You need to run every dungeon at least 8 times. This will help you level up and make sure you have all the proper gear to continue leveling up. IT IS IMPORTANT TO GET ALL THE BEST GEAR FOR YOUR LEVEL SO YOU CAN REPLACE IT IN THREE LEVELS.

This will begin your Golden Age of Warcraft. Freed of the trivial concerns of everyday life, your days will consist of the following:

• Waking up at 3 PM.
• Eating a Hot Pocket.
• Questing for 16 hours.
• Dancing on a mailbox.
• Going to sleep.
• Dreaming about World of Warcraft.

If done properly, this phase should last about 8 or 9 months. It will occur to you that, if that China girl was pregnant, you would've heard about it by now, so it all must have worked out. IF ANOTHER PLAYER KILLS YOU, BE SURE TO TELL EVERYONE IN YOUR GUILD AND MAKE THEM COME KILL HIM BACK.

RULE NUMBER SEVEN FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: Create another character. This is your "alt." Having an alt lets you play another class, just to see what it's like. You can also send things to it to free up room in your bags.

FREEING UP ROOM IN YOUR BAGS IS VERY IMPORTANT FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT.

By this point, your parents should have kicked you out of the house. You will be living on a couch in a living room. Someone will ask you to be the Director of Photography for their student film. You will probably do a fantastic job. This will lead to another job and BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED WOW IN 5 MONTHS. Once the second film is over, be sure to drink and party every night. You will not have a choice, BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN A LIVING ROOM AND THAT'S WHERE PARTIES HAPPEN.

Before long, everyone will begin to focus on Finals. DO NOT PANIC, YOU ARE NOT IN COLLEGE. Be sure to watch TV a lot. You will begin to wonder why you are so bored at night. You remember that you had to uninstall World of Warcraft to make room for some movie footage.

RULE NUMBER EIGHT FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: Re-install World of Warcraft.

That was a close one. You almost quit World of Warcraft without even realizing it. Quitting World of Warcraft must be done at the proper pace and in the proper time. Be sure to get all of your friends to play again, because they will most likely have been more responsible than you and stopped playing without your constant calls telling them to log on and "run ZF."

This period is what is known as the Second Renaissance.

Even though you are now living on a couch with less than $15 dollars a week, you will find that you are playing World of Warcraft more than ever. This will lend a sense of urgency to your questing and lead to unprecedented productivity. You will even finish all your quests in Sunken Temple. Your friends will pick up on your sense of urgency and somehow out-level you, even though you're the one who got them to play in the first place.

RULE NUMBER NINE FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: Use MySpace to compulsively hit on the Assistant Director from the movie you just finished.

This will lead to a scandalous adventure into debauchery. When she asks you if it means you are a couple, be sure to say, "Yes."

GOLDEN RULE ABOUT QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT (did we already have one?): Living with your girlfriend is the most important step to quitting World of Warcraft. That's why it's a Rule and not a Step, even though I just called it a Step. There has only been one actual Step between both of these articles, and that was Step One, which was buy World of Warcraft.

SIDE-NOTE ABOUT LIVING ON A COUCH: If you are living on a couch, it is because you don't like having a day job. If you don't like having a day job, there is only one way to get off the couch. HAVE A GIRL ASK YOU TO MOVE IN WITH HER. This is not that hard, but if you can't make it happen, you do not deserve to quit World of Warcraft. (For hints on how to get a girl to ask you to move in with her, see the image at the top of this article.)

Make sure the girl still has at least one more year of college. This will let you live with her in secret, because her parents are hundreds of miles away and don't realize they are paying rent for two people. If they come to visit, be sure to stay with friends and to hide your computer in the hall closet.

BE SURE TO MAKE HER HOUSEMATE HATE YOU SO YOU ARE FORCED TO MOVE. When she has to explain to her parents why she has to move, make sure the conversation goes something like this:

HER: I don't know, she said she was paying rent, but I guess now she can't. I can't afford this place on my own, so I found a new place....YES, I can do that on my own....My movie friends are helping me....NO, I don't need you to come up....I don't know, it really depends. My friend is supposed to be bringing his truck over, but he doesn't get off until 5. I've just been packing all day.

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU NOW HAVE YOUR OWN ROOM AND A YEAR TO QUIT WORLD OF WARCRAFT!

Important Things To Do During This Time:

• Look for a job once a month.
  
• Order a lot of pizza.
• Start, and completely level, 6 other characters.
• Notice the poor circulation in your left arm.
• Sleep 5 hours a night.
• Dream about WoW 5 hours a night.
• Wake up after 5 hours because you have things to finish in WoW.
• Join a bigger guild.
• Run ZG.
• Hear your guild's voices in your sleep.
• Remind everyone that you can quit anytime, but you don't want to because it's cheaper than going to the movies all the time.

At this point, Blizzard Entertainment will release an Expansion Pack for World of Warcraft. You have been living on one meal a day, and five hours of sleep a night, for about 7 months. Your eyes will be sunken, and you will feel slight pains in your chest every now and then, and will only be showering once a week. THIS IS NORMAL AND HEALTHY. WORLD OF WARCRAFT IS NOT ADDICTIVE. YOU CAN QUIT ANY TIME. YOU ALREADY PAID FOR THE MONTH, SO IT WOULD BE A WASTE TO NOT PLAY.

YOU DECIDE TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR FATE AND QUIT WORLD OF WARCRAFT. You tell everyone that you will NOT be buying the Expansion Pack. You look forward to making a clean break and finally getting some sleep, a job to help pay the rent, and spending quality time with your girlfriend. But you forgot one thing.

QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT IS NOT YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE.

You will now take a short hiatus from playing World of Warcraft. You will randomly download any number of free, Korean-made, MMORPGS (that's an acronym for game with a lot of people on an Internet), all of which are poor, Methadone-like, substitutions for WoW. Your girlfriend will point this out. You realize you can stop playing these games, which are just as time consuming as World of Warcraft, OR:

RULE NUMBER TEN FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: After loudly proclaiming to your guild that you will not be buying the Expansion Pack, BUY THE EXPANSION PACK. Be sure to create and fully level at least 3 more characters. This should only take about 6 more months. Be sure to get your girlfriend to start playing because you think it will make her stop complaining that you play too much. HANG YOUR HEAD when you realize all her playing means is that you NOW HAVE TO HELP HER LEVEL. Be sure to recruit her brother, too.

IF YOU READ THIS WHOLE THING, SORRY, HERE'S THE PART WHERE YOU REALLY LEARN HOW TO QUIT WORLD OF WARCRAFT.

Things You Need To Do To Quit World of Warcraft:

• Don't have any money of your own.
• Have your girlfriend graduate college. This will make her parents come and move her out of the room you have been sharing, even though they don't know that she even has a boyfriend. Be sure to hide your things before they come.
• Be completely cut off from World of Warcraft for three weeks while you live at your friend's parents' house.
  
• Decide to move to Hollywood even though you have no job prospects or money.
• Don't have enough money to keep playing World of Warcraft.

THAT IS HOW YOU QUIT PLAYING WORLD OF WARCRAFT. Notice how none of them involved choice. OH MY GOD INCOMING TONE OF SERIOUS WITH CAPSLOCK ON BASS.

THE REAL GOLDEN RULE FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: Anyone in the habit of playing World of Warcraft every day CANNOT STOP playing, at least not on their own. World of Warcraft supplies an endless series of short-term goals, making it seem possible to beat the game if you just keep at it. IT IS NOT POSSIBLE BECAUSE BY THE TIME YOU ACCOMPLISH THOSE GOALS, THEY HAVE ADDED NEW GOALS, MAKING THE REWARDS FROM THE OLD GOALS OBSOLETE.
By this point, the majority of your social contact comes from the game, and your priorities are those of the game world. You will suffer from an extreme feeling of being left behind, and will constantly engage in menial tasks on the assumption that they will lead to making your character more powerful.
YOU WILL BE CONSUMED WITH IMPROVING YOUR PERFORMANCE BY FRACTIONS OF A PERCENT, AND YOU WILL CEASE TO THINK ABOUT ANYTHING BUT THE GAME, EVEN WHILE YOU SLEEP. No matter what you THINK you want to do each day, you will wake up and sign onto WoW before you even realize it.

WORLD OF WARCRAFT IS NOT ADDICTIVE, YOU CAN QUIT ANYTIME.

THE ONLY WAY TO QUIT WORLD OF WARCRAFT IS TO BE FORCED INTO CIRCUMSTANCES WHERE YOU CANNOT PLAY FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME. Do not be surprised if you see a dead baby crawling on the ceiling. There is a word for this time:

DETOX.

If this does not happen, you will not quit playing.

In conclusion: WORLD OF WARCRAFT IS A DRUG AND THE ONLY WAY TO QUIT IS TO TREAT IT LIKE ONE.

Just like The Lord of the Rings.

"Oh, that's a good melon."

STERLING BOUTIQUE - Jet Li Makes War

(STERLING BOUTIQUE, a continuing examination of Jet Li)


When Jet Li's Fearless was announced, it was widely reported that it would be Jet Li's last martial arts film. He would retire to focus on his more Buddhist pursuits, occassionally taking roles that would highlight his desire to bring a message of peace and tea-drinking to the masses. That being said, many of us were curious to see what his next role would bring.

WAR

That's right. When JET LI wants to bring peace to the masses, HE MAKES WAR. As the super reliable army of IMDB synopsis writers points out, the story of WAR is as follows:

"After his partner Tom Wynne (Terry Chen) and family are killed apparently by the infamous and elusive assassin Rogue (Jet Li), FBI agent Jack Crawford (Jason Statham) becomes obsessed with revenge as his world unravels into a vortex of guilt and betrayal. Rogue eventually resurfaces to settle a score of his own, setting off a bloody crime war between Asian mob rivals Chang (John Lone) of the Triad's and Yakuza boss Shiro (Ryo Ishibashi). When Jack and Rogue finally come face to face, the ultimate truth of their pasts will be revealed."

You see what I did there? THAT'S CALLED PADDING. The point is, that it's all Statham's fault.

JASON STATHAM.

Jason Statham first hit us in the faces with chin power when he showed up in Snatch. You can try to pretend like you saw him in Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, but you'd be a liar. You're not that cool. Nobody's that cool.

EXCEPT JET LI.

Jet Li saw this mass of Brit-man-mountain a mile away. AND HE SAW TROUBLE. You can't have Britons running around, Transporting, Snatching, Cranking, and Turning It Up. Jet Li doesn't approve of any of those things. Also, Jet Li kind of let it slide, but you can't expect to kill part of JET LI'S CHI and expect to not be PUT ON JET LI NOTICE. But Jet Li allowed it, because really, even if you lose a piece of infinity, you've still got infinity. AND JET LI HAS INFINITY POWER. Just like getting killed by MEL GIBSON, one of many things he has in common with Jesus, SENDING YU LAW TO THAT PRISON PLANET WAS ALL A RUSE.

At this point, you are asking, if Jet Li is so powerful, why would he need a ruse?

BECAUSE I JUST WANTED TO MAKE A PARAGRAPH FULL OF LINKS AND I COULDN'T THINK HOW TO END IT.

Long story short: JASON STATHAM HAD TO BE PUT DOWN. I'm just going to go ahead and ignore that JET LI is the so-called "bad guy" in WAR, since, if it's Jet Li's war, he gets to be whatever he wants, and the other guy is wrong be default. If you don't believe me, just hop over to Efficient Awesomeness and wait for the JET LI BOMB to drop. HE GONNA FUX A CELERY, HE GONNA FUX A STATHAM.

Let's not get off track.

Jet Li + Retirement = War (against Jason Statham).

RULE NUMBER ONE ABOUT JASON STATHAM: Jason Statham is a highly trained martial artist. Jason Statham is British. BRITISH PEOPLE CANNOT BE HIGHLY TRAINED MARTIAL ARTISTS AND JET LI KNOWS IT. British people have money, power, and tea. JET LI has all the kung fu. If a British person suddenly had kung fu, it would be like Rosa Parks never put flowers on that tank. It would be 1863 all over again. I speak of the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the Force. NOT THE KID FROM LIFE AS A HOUSE, I MEAN JET LI.


Bear with me as I crunch some numbers at you.

At the end of that classic film, The One, there were two Jet Li's. There was good Jet Li, who got to bone that lady from Sin City, and there was bad Jet Li (only bad relative to good Jet Li), who got to bone that prison planet full of bad guys for all time. BOTH JET LI'S APPROVED OF THIS SITUATION. But there was also STATHAM.

STATHAM had all of Jet Li's strengths, and none of his weaknesses, by which we mean he isn't short, isn't Asian, and he can speak English. So JET LI deigned to chill for a while, FAKE GO INTO RETIREMENT (taking care of that question) and see what this STATHAM would do with his powers. Perhaps the mantle could VERY BRIEFLY BE PASSED to this White Devil, at least until that Tony Jaa kid learned more English.

But what did THE STATHAM do? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HE DID.

He transported a mean machine to London where he fired off a revolver causing massive collateral damage. In the ensuing chaos, he snorted crank, did a job in Italy, planned a job in Brazil, and knocked over a bank, all in the name of the king while using up his cellular anytime minutes talking the Pink Panther into setting up a Death Race. He claims he was just answering the call of duty.

BUT JET LI KNEW BETTER.

For JET LI, the die had been cast.

FOR ANYONE WHO READ EVERYTHING BEFORE NOW, SORRY, HERE'S THE PART WHERE IT'S EXPLAINED WHY FEARLESS WASN'T JET LI'S LAST MARTIAL ARTS MOVIE.

GOLDEN RULE ABOUT JET LI RETIRING: Jet Li cannot retire until there is someone as good and strong as Good Jet Li in The One around to balance out the Bad Jet Li from The One. Since THE STATHAM lacked the moral Jet Li-itude to offset Bad Jet Li's bad Jet Li-tude, and since Tony Jaa can't talk English, GOOD JET LI FROM THE ONE HAD TO COME OUT OF RETIREMENT TO TAKE OUT THE STATHAM, WHO IS THROWING THE WHOLE THING OUT OF WHACK BY HAVING MORE BAD JET LI-ITUDE THAN GOOD.

So, in conclusion, Furcadia is the best game ever made. An earthquake or Godzilla attack just happened while I was writing this, so I have no idea what my original ending was going to be.

COMING SOON: FURCADIA - DESTROY ALL MONSTERS EDITION

How To Quit World of Warcraft - Part I

STEP ONE: BUY WORLD OF WARCRAFT

After you've bought World of Warcraft, install it. Be sure to sign up for the month-to-month plan so you CAN QUIT ANYTIME. When your friends roll their eyes at you, remind them that you CAN QUIT ANYTIME.

WHAT TO EXPECT: Upon first loading the game, you will get to make a character. BE SURE TO PICK YOUR CHARACTER BASED ENTIRELY ON THE COOLNESS OF THE NAME OF IT'S CLASS. I picked "Warrior." Bad ass, I know, right? You can attempt to read the little class bios, but all they will tell you is that EVERY CLASS SUCKS BUT THE ONE THAT SOUNDED COOL.

Next, you will be dumped in the starting area for the race you've selected. If you wanted to be COOL, you undoubtedly picked NIGHT ELVES because you thought LEGOLAS WAS AWESOME. If YOU're an EMO, then you probably picked UNDEAD. If you're an idiot, you made a HUMAN MALE, and congratulations, you are now shaped like a 36 year-old computer programmer. Whatever you pick, be sure to take pride in the fact that only five other people in your starting area picked the same hair as you. BEING UNIQUE IS WHAT WORLD OF WARCRAFT IS ALL ABOUT.

I'm just going to assume you picked a Night Elf Male Warrior because I don't have time for any of this garbage, and, to reiterate, LEGOLAS WAS AWESOME. You will start off in a forest area with some boars and stuff to kill.

RULE NUMBER ONE FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: KILL THE BOARS.

After killing like 7 or 12 boars or something, you will LEVEL UP.

OH MY GOD, EASY, RIGHT?

Right. The first step to quitting World of Warcraft is realize that you can easily burn through the first few levels by just killing boars and little goblins.

So you get to level 12 and wow, this is starting to feel epic, right? Too bad none of your friends are joining in the fun. IT COULD BE JUST LIKE LORD OF THE RINGS.

RULE NUMBER TWO FOR QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT: RECRUIT ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS.

In my case, this meant walking people down to the computer store and physically making sure that they bought the game.

SIDE-NOTE ABOUT RULE NUMBER TWO: You will need good reasons to get your friends to play, since they will be more responsible than you, and responsible people don't like things that have monthly fees.

-------REASONS

• If you only play World of Warcaft, you don't spend as much money on going to the movies, eating out, gas.
• It has pretty colors.
• The world is huge.
• IT IS FREAKING EPIC JUST LIKE LORD OF THE RINGS.
• You can ride a tiger.

At this point, your friends should cave in. Be sure to RECRUIT DURING SUMMER, when they are less likely to have things to do.

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE WELL ON YOUR WAY TO QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT!

Now that you have made all of your friends pick Legolas characters too, it's time to get down to some hardcore adventurin'. Many wondrous sights and experiences await you!

-------Some Exciting Things You Will Adventure At

• A waterfall.
• Higher level boars.
• A pine cone.
• An old book.
• A man who wants you to bring him a pine cone and an old book.
• Road signs.
• Flowers.
• A tumor.

In short, all of the things you loved about THE LORD OF THE RINGS.

COMING SOON: HOW TO QUIT WORLD OF WARCRAFT - PART II (QUITTING IN JUST TWO SHORT YEARS!!!) aka WoW vs. Girls

Getting Around Hollywood, In Style

RULE NUMBER ONE: Own a car.

Failing that, you can take the bus. Or do like I do, which is not leave my house. Assuming you are fool enough to actually go outside, HERE'S A BULLETIZED LIST, MFer!

IMPORTANT POINTS FOR GOING ANYWHERE IN LA:

• Check Google Maps (http://maps.google.com/maps) .
• Check the LA METRO SITE (http://www.mta.net/) to see if the Metro goes to the place you told Google Maps that you wanted to go.
• Make sure that the area you are going into doesn't have it's own, localized, service. This is important in case you get off the bus somewhere and think you will be able to do some light exploring and then try to get on the bus again, only to find that your Day Pass, PURCHASED SO INNOCENTLY, doesn't work. FOR EXAMPLE: Santa Monica's BIG BLUE BUS (http://www.bigbluebus.com/). More about the Big Blue Bus, and how it made me cry, later.
• Wear shoes.
• Don't walk anywhere. This earns you respect, and let's you keep all that hard-earned sweat you've been storing. Distances are deceptive here, they at once are smaller than they seem, and feel further than they are. Meaning, in a car, you think, GOSH this is taking FOREVER, when you've only gone a mile. If you walk that same mile, it takes about 10 minutes, BUT IT FEELS LIKE AN HOUR. Don't walk anywhere. You have the shoes just in case the Apocalypse comes and you have to drive a firetruck to save the First Lady from a crashed helicopter and drive her to a secret military installation where they had knowledge about the potential threat, in the form of a crash-landed alien, but it was "Totally Classified." Except for the First Lady part, I could be talking about either Independence Day OR Transformers. WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?!!?!?!

Honestly.

So You Think You Can Film

STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO BECOMING A FREELANCE VIDEOGRAPHER FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME

1. Buy a heavy camera. Do a thousand curls with it a day, every day, for about two months.

2. Throw out that camera and buy a bigger one. This will let you flex at all the girls.

3. Put up an ad on the local classifieds website of your choice, advertising for Wedding or Event Videography. Be sure to undercut all of your competition to the point where you are barely making minimum wage. Within a day or two you should have dozens of replies. Some of them might even be legible.

4. Frantically call up all your friends and see if any of them are willing to drive you to the events that you could potentially accept. Tell them that this is only temporary, as you are just trying to build up your experience base. Once you go full time, you'll be sure to get around to getting that license and car. Why, you'll even pay them for gas, this time around.

5. Now that you have alerted your friends to the possibility of maybe needing them to drive you somewhere, alert your clients to the possibility that maybe you will accept their gig. Of course, if the gig is too far away, you don't want to press the patience of your friends, so you might not take it. And if the people want to meet beforehand, you're pretty much boned, since this is now TWO times you need to infringe upon your friends, making them that much less likely to be infringe-upon-able later. Generally speaking, I take the bus to the first meeting, even if it's going to be a two-hour trip.

RULE NUMBER ONE ABOUT POINT NUMBER FIVE: DO NOT LET THEM KNOW YOU TOOK THE BUS. DO NOT LET THEM KNOW YOU DO NOT HAVE A CAR. HAVING A CAR MEANS YOU ARE GOOD AT FILMING WITH A CAMERA AT A WEDDING, OBVIOUSLY.

6. Now that you are potentially lined up for accepting a Wedding gig, and you VERY likely have a way to get to it, it is time to start FREAKING THE HELL OUT. This is the part where you start to weigh the amount you're charging vs. the time it will take to fully execute whatever you were foolish enough to agree to. This is the part where your friends will usually back out of being able to drive you to the gig, and where you will begin to consider ways that you can back out of your agreement. Generally speaking, this is the part where I stop responding to the client's emails.

SIDE-NOTE ONE ABOUT POINT NUMBER SIX: Limit the amount of contact with the client as much as possible. The more you talk to them, the more they will think you are friends, the more they will demand crap from you that you DON'T want to do. Hell no, I don't want to show up to the rehearsal. Hell no, I don't want to give you samples or references. I want you to believe that I'm good at filming BASED ON MY WORD. That's what America was built on. The word of a guy who does curls with his camera. Seriously, call the Sheriff, this guy's got GUNS.

7. So now, at this point, if you're still properly on the path to becoming a Freelance Videographer, you should have both FREAKED OUT and PROCRASTINATED well past the point where you can actually back out of the gig. Also, you will have accidentally agreed to film far longer than you want to, and you'll have agreed to pay your friend $100 dollars to wait around in the parking lot while you film, so he can drive you to the reception.

THAT'S RIGHT, MFER! IT'S TIME TO FILM THE DAMN THING!

NUMBER 8!!!!!!!!!

8. So you arrive on the day. You've opted to wear jeans with your classy button-up shirt because your dress pants made you look like a 15 year old working at a mall kiosk. They told him he had to dress nicely. They forgot about how he would interpret that. So, you're walking up to the church/gazebo/hitchin' place. You notice a lot of White Anglo-Saxon Prostestants, all in varying shades of pastel and khaki. They all have ties. Their shirts are tucked in. NOBODY IS WEARING JEANS. You realize that even though your jeans fit better, and look good with your dress shoes and shirt, this isn't the club. This is a wedding. THIS IS SERIOUS DAMN BUSINESS AND YOU ARE CLASSING DOWN THE WHOLE EVENT. You start to sweat. People begin to wonder who you are. What is in that case? Photographers usually have big bags and bandoliers of supplies. But you're just some guy with a big metal case. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THERE!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

9. BUST OUT YOUR BIG FREAKING CAMERA AND POINT IT AT SOMEONE. Yeah, they see now. They can tell by your rippling biceps, you've curled the Hell out of that camera. It's like an extension of your arm. Better. Start filming. START FILMING AND DO NOT STOP.

Oh my gosh. Where?

10. At this point you will realize that you have no idea what happens in a wedding ceremony. You haven't coordinated with the photographers or wedding planner. You don't know where to stand and still pick up good sound. Everywhere you go, there is a photographer blocking your way. What is more important? The pictures or the video? You don't know. You stopped returning their calls!!!!!! WHERE DO YOU STAND!?!?!?!?!

RULE ABOUT WHERE TO STAND: Get the bride. Just follow her around. Don't worry about if you're on a tripod or handheld or whatever. Just get her. Get everything she does. The best place to film a wedding from is right at the base of the altar, where you can pick up the bride, the groom, and the minister/priest/judge/ship's captain. BUT YOU CANNOT STAND THERE. You will wind up at the back of the room, filming at the end of your lens, with the sound barely registering on the microphone.

SIDE-NOTE ABOUT FILMING A WEDDING (THIS ONE'S IMPORTANT, WRITE IT ON SOMETHING): Camera microphones can't hear crap. Not unless you put them right IN the crap. Get a wireless microphone and ask the ship's Captain/minister/drive-thru operator to wear it. You don't want to put it on the bride because it will show up, unless she's not wearing white, in which case, get out of that den of sin and debauchery, and get thee to a real wedding. Don't put it on the groom because he'll just be mumbling anyway. You want to hear the ministercaptain.

THIS IS STILL POINT 10.

10 (con't). Where to stand. Stand so you can see the Bride crying. Since your lack of preparation has left you with no clear line of communication to anyone else involved in the Wedding, make sure the Bride won't be pissed off at you. If you're not too timid, you can probably squeeze up the aisle, once everyone has entered. If you're a 'frady cat, I don't know, sort it out. Wimp.

11. Okay, everyone files off. You've filmed the ceremony poorly and know that there are only about 45 seconds worth of useable sound and not-shaky footage. That's okay, here's where you really get to let loose.

THE RECEPTION!

Film all the food. As they bring it out, film it. Film random people laughing. If there are kids, film those. Film the cake before they cut it. Film the stupid decorations. If you feel like you're filming things better suited to a still photograph, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE A VIDEOGRAPHER!!

SIDE-NOTE ABOUT BEING A VIDEOGRAPHER: Most of the events you film will also have photographers. People will pose for a photographer, but no one knows what the Hell to do when a video camera is pointed at them. Usually they will smile for a half-second, then turn back to their friends and talk about how they are being filmed now, and how they better watch ALL THEIR SCANDALOUS TALK, by which I mean boring crap talk. WHAT THIS ALL MEANS IN PRACTICE is that you will end up filming people as they pose for photographs. A LOT. Don't shy away from it. Use it to pad the video. BUT DON'T FORGET ONE VERY IMPORTANT THING!

12. BATTERIES. If, like me, you have barely talked yourself into this, you don't have enough battery power to film non-stop. At this point in the day, you will be down to about halfway. However, with everyone just chatting around, you'll start to feel like you're not doing your job. RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO KEEP FILMING. You do not want to edit 6 hours of people eating, and you do not want to do what I did on my very first wedding.

THINGS I DID ON MY VERY FIRST WEDDING

- Ran out of batteries AS they were cutting the cake. I had to run across the room and find an outlet to plug into. I missed the cake cutting, but got them, VERY TELEPHOTO, just as they were smiling for the photographers. I slowed this down and made it like The King of Comedy. Everyone loved it.
- That's the only thing, but it was IMPORTANT.

GOLDEN RULE ABOUT FILMING FOR WEDDINGS: Later, nobody remembers what happened during the Wedding. What you show them is what their memory of it will be. That being said, only show the most polished stuff, or FIND a way to polish it. By which I mean use liberal amounts of slow-motion and sappy music. You can edit every wedding the same way. It's not as though somebody is going to hire you to film again. They're not going to say, "Hey! This is exactly how you edited my LAST wedding!" YOU CAN USE PACHELBEL'S CANON FOR EVERY VIDEO.

13. Finally, you get out of there. You have the money, because they were too flustered to realize that maybe they shouldn't pay you until you deliver the DVDs. Now, once again, it is time to FREAK THE HELL OUT! By which I mean procrastinate. You realize that you have no idea how they want the video edited. You realize that in order to actually capture the footage, you have to clear off 30 gigabytes of anime. You haven't watched it all, yet! WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO, JUST DELETE IT?!?!?!

At this point, you're on your own. Edit the video however you see fit. Deliver the DVDs. They will probably ask you to change it. JUST DON'T RETURN THEIR CALLS. When people ask you for samples, now you have one. Just show your next client the parts of the video with slow-motion.

YOU ARE NOW A WEDDING VIDEOGRAPHER. If you decide to use your now considerable power to film some other kind of event, like a quinceanera, DO NOT USE WIRELESS MICS. The fifteen year-old girls will accuse you of groping them. True story.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

COMING SOON: HOW TO MOVE OUT OF YOUR PARENT'S HOUSE BEFORE YOU ARE READY

Becoming A Hotshot Cinematographer

RULE NUMBER 1: Tell someone you are a Cinematographer. Or say "DP" and then have them ask you what that is. What is it? A Director of Photography.

What does a DP do? I don't know, but I've been one a number of times. I'm pretty sure you're supposed to have some kind of technical training, and understand the properties of various lenses and lights and color temperatures and wattages. I don't have any of that crap. But you do need a point of view.

IN PRACTICE WHAT A DP DOES - DAY ONE

You tell someone to set up a light. You've told someone else to do it because, if you're a DP, you probably have at least one underling. By telling this supposedly qualified person to set up a light, you've achieved step one of being a DP, which is DELEGATION.

STEP TWO: Figuring out why you are a DP.

You are probably a DP because you wanted to be a director, bought a camera, and then some friend of yours who is going to a school you didn't get into asks you if they can borrow your camera. "Sure," you say, "but I want to be the guy operating it." This other director guy agrees and says that you can be the DP, then. Do you know what a DP is? No. Does he? He thinks he does, because he's in film school. He thinks it means a guy who owns a camera and presses Record. You think it means you get to choose all of the compositions. You're both wrong and you both will end up hating each other.

NEWSFLASH, BUDDY!

A Director of Photography oversees the lighting and camera departments on a film. You hire the Camera Assistants and the Gaffer, and the Gaffer usually hires the Grips. You tell the Gaffer what look you want to accomplish, the Gaffer physically executes it by telling the Grips where to set up lights. Also, most likely the Gaffer was in charge of actually choosing and renting the equipment.

YOU AREN'T IN FOR ANY OF THAT CRAP

You're a DP because you owned a camera. There's no budget and this shoot is just for a class assignment. There's one hanger-on guy who wanted to help with the film because he couldn't think of a good one of his own. You get to tell that hanger-on guy what to do while the Director spouts quotes from "An Actor Prepares" at the actors in another room. In the meantime, you're left alone in a living room with this hanger-on guy and some 500 watt lights that the Director checked out from school.

WILL THESE LIGHTS EXPLODE THE HOUSE? That's an important question right? Wait, let me read back over this blog so far and edit it for proper organization and bulletization. YEAH, RIGHT I'M NOT DOING THAT. Chances are that if you plug in all of the lights at once and turn them on, you'll blow a circuit breaker. Tell the hanger-on guy to guy find the box and fix it, if this happens.

DELEGATION. If you want to BS your way into a high ranking spot on a film production, AIM FOR THE TOP.

That's the OTHER Rule Number TWO: AIM HIGH.

The higher you go, all the way up to the Director, the less actual technical knowledge you require. REAL DPs will think this is bad advice, and it is. Ideally you should've gotten to your position by slowly working up from a Production Assistant to a Second Assistant Camera to a First Assistant Camera to Camera Operator to Director of Photography. That takes like 15 years. F THAT IN THE A, B!

Here's why anything with Director in the name is good. You get to be the artsty-fartsy guy. You have underlings. The underlings were hired because they ACTUALLY have technical experience, but they're too honest and didn't want to BS their way higher, or they're not confident in their creative abilities. But as a DIRECTOR of Photography, all you have to do is say "THIS LIGHTING SUCKS, MOVE THAT LIGHT OVER HERE" and someone else will do it, and they'll have to worry about whether or not the building explodes because of it. Then you go out, hold up a light meter, and pretend you know what it says. I have done this. I have no idea what it was telling me. I just looked through the lens and when it looked good, I said, okay, done.

Being the Director of an entire picture is even better. You say, "I want it to look like this painting." and then it's up to your poor minions to figure out how to do that. Then you scratch your chin and look thoughtful for two hours and sometimes you're asked for your opinion on things you have no opinion on. I usually pick the left one.


BACK TO BEING A DP. IF YOU READ EVERYTHING BEFORE THIS, SORRY, HERE'S THE PART WHERE YOU ACTUALLY LEARN HOW TO BE A DP AND HIDE YOUR LACK OF ANY KIND OF TRAINING WHATSOEVER

First off, never BS about being a DP unless you're shooting on digital. On digital, you can tell if it looks like garbage right away, and if it looks like garbage, you can usually figure out why. If you shoot on film, you'll never know until way later when they've already spent $20,000 making prints.

So you have a digital camera. Hopefully, it has some kind of zebra function. Remember that light meter someone told you that you need? CHUCK THAT, FOOL! Turn on the zebra function. Adjust the lighting so that there is no zebra showing up. TADA, MFer! You've just lit better than half of all commercials made for local businesses.

Oh, how do you adjust the lighting? Just put crap in front of the lights. Usually they come with little metal grates called scrims. Tell someone to put a scrim in a light. Is that light still causing zebra? Tell him to put another one in. You look decisive now, don't you? Bam, you're done, you're a DP. Try to keep the angle of light from being too similar to the camera angle. Side-lighting is best.

Okay, you're a DP.

WHAT A DP DOESN'T DO.

He/She doesn't decide the compositions. The Director should be telling you that. The DP doesn't tell the actors where to go, unless it's slight adjustments such as "Can you turn a little to this light, please?"

Wow, this is like a book. I should make up a T-Shirt that says "Wow, this blog is like a book." A BOOK WITH NO EDITOR, MFER! BULLET POINTS!

How to Succeed in Hollywood.

STEP 1:

Move to Hollywood.

STEP 2:

Get a driver's license.


What's that you say? Step 1 and Step 2 should be reversed!? Oh my goodness, nobody told me. I guess this is going to be an uphill battle.

I began renting a place in Hollywood about a month and a half ago. I've yet to find a single source of income, and I suspect my lack of a car may be responsible. I did, however, see a girl throw up in the bushes right outside my window.


And so begins a journey into the highs and lows and, all the more likely, middles of living the glamorous life in Hollywood.

INFO ABOUT HOLLYWOOD, POORLY FORMATTED IN GLORIOUS RANDOM-O-VISION

1. Hollywood is a crap hole. If you're sitting back at home in Iowa, dreaming all those dreams about dreaming on the big screen, YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT BEVERLY HILLS. Do not move to Hollywood proper. Hollywood is a small area about a mile and a half square that is full of homeless people and camera rental shops. There is also a Target, which brings people up from down South.

RULE NUMBER 1: Move to Beverly Hills or Westwood. Do not move to Hollywood, North Hollywood, or even West Hollywood.

2. If you do move to Hollywood, make sure you have a car and that you know someone beforehand. Also, be able to live with no income for at least three months. There are hundreds of assistant jobs, promising "contacts" and "experience" most of which are just there to exploit you as slave labor. But some of them are okay.

RULE NUMBER 2: Become an assistant at a talent agency. Do not tell them you want to act or sing or dance or direct or produce or write. They don't care. Tell them you want to be an agent. You always have wanted to be an agent. Agenting is the most exciting thing you can possibly conceive of, and you want to do it more than breathe or poop. Is this a lie? Oh yes, very much so, but the truth is that no agent wants to be an agent either. It just happened. By becoming an assistant to these people, you will make contacts, and you need contacts.
NOTE ABOUT SYNERGY BETWEEN RULES NUMBER 1 AND 2: The reason you wanted to move to Beverly Hills is that A) it's nicer and B) that's where all the talent agencies are. There is nothing in Hollywood. Remember that. Except for CNN, Reader's Digest, and the Cinerama Dome. There are also a lot of post-production houses. BUT WHERE IS THE GLAMOUR IN POST-PRODUCTION.



OVERALL GOLDEN RULE FOR HOLLYWOOD: Hollywood, by which we mean the movie business, does not need you. It has thousands of people begging to be let in. You have to find what it is about you that stands out, and even ask yourself whether or not you'd be more happy making a blog from which you can hock used t-shirts.

RULE FOR THE GOLDEN RULE FOR HOLLYWOOD: Get a law degree and then prepare to have it mean nothing for the first 10 years.


COMING UP NEXT: HOW TO SUCCEED AS A CINEMATOGRAPHER WITHOUT EVEN TRYING