In Defense of Terence Howard

I might as well put it here, since here, too, do we find traces of that thing called Internet, which this story is reportedly "all over."
In a recent article, on the Elle website, Terence Howard, or as his friends call him, Big Daddy Love, said a few things that were construed as being completely bat-shit insane.

PARAPHRASED LIST OF GREATEST HITS

• Believes you should only date women who look like you, because your reflection is the most beautiful thing in the world.
• Pencil moustache.
• If a woman doesn't clean herself with baby wipes, she is unclean.
• Pre-Marital Sex = Dirty Sin Time
  
• Your reflection is the most beautiful thing on the planet.

Now, you must be thinking, "He forces women to use baby wipes, if they do not already? How controlling! How manipulative! What a pig!"

BACK OFF, CRACKA, THAT FOO IS RIGHT!

If crusading for a cleaner cooter is wrong, I don't want to be right. I don't want no stink in my pink. I don't want any lettuce on my cheeseburger. No oil in my blood furnace. No Lincoln Log in my Lego set.

TERENCE HOWARD IS THE MOST PATRIOTIC MAN ALIVE. His message of peace and clean piche is exactly what this country needs. How can we expect to win the war at home, on drugs, and against crime, if our mothers, our sisters, our daughters, are all walking around with flakes of doody-sauce floating around their ladyholes? If the sweet-sweet core of America is tainted with t'aint sewage, the whole thing becomes a lie. American Dream? Keep dreaming, you're logjammed in a bog of bottomsauce.

NOW, before you go getting all loco, I would like to clarify...stuff.

The man doesn't want you to ONLY use baby wipes. That'd lead to a steamy jungle of yeasty disaster (and intrigue). Angry girlnerds and Indignant Motherwomen have been going all Science about this for a few days now. Terence "The Fridge" Howard doesn't expect that you'll wipe up with a wetnap and then let the residual moisture just sit there while you pull up your chonies, turning the whole affair into gazpacho. That leads to a "freshness problem," you know... "down there." No, you wet it clean, then dry it dry. Simple enough. Let the wet-thing and traditional TP work together in harmony. If our Motherwomen and sistergirls can't figure this out, 'murrica's in bigger trouble than I thought.

And about his other points.

I don't think that pre-marital sex is inherently dirty. Of course, it's a different story if we're talking about with a crustified old prostitute from behind those dumpsters downtown. You know the kind, with the honey bear that hasn't been closed tightly enough, so you get all that old honey caked around the outside. That's pretty dirty. But if you're not emptying that honey pot, by all means, pound it 'til it stinks and her daddy makes you honest.

I, also, don't think the best match for a person is somebody who looks exactly like them. T-Dog McHoward holds firmly the belief that things didn't work out with his wife because she didn't share his facial characteristics. No offense to the towering institution of American greatness and manhood (aside from that crying while being laughed at by girls thing) that is Mr. Howard, but I don't think a woman that looks like him would exactly be the best thing.

EXAMPLE:



I know, right?

HOWEVER, that whole bit about reflections? I agree completely. My reflection IS the most beautiful thing in the world. I can, and do, stare at it all day.

Let's just hope T-Hizzle doesn't get turned into a vampire.

HE WOULD BE FUK'D, LOL!


SCIENCE. The science of baby wipes. Let it work for you.

Because, you know who liked his women unwashed? Napoleon. And that dude was French.

And you KNOW what we say about the French.

STERLING BOUTIQUE - Jet Li Makes War

(STERLING BOUTIQUE, a continuing examination of Jet Li)


When Jet Li's Fearless was announced, it was widely reported that it would be Jet Li's last martial arts film. He would retire to focus on his more Buddhist pursuits, occassionally taking roles that would highlight his desire to bring a message of peace and tea-drinking to the masses. That being said, many of us were curious to see what his next role would bring.

WAR

That's right. When JET LI wants to bring peace to the masses, HE MAKES WAR. As the super reliable army of IMDB synopsis writers points out, the story of WAR is as follows:

"After his partner Tom Wynne (Terry Chen) and family are killed apparently by the infamous and elusive assassin Rogue (Jet Li), FBI agent Jack Crawford (Jason Statham) becomes obsessed with revenge as his world unravels into a vortex of guilt and betrayal. Rogue eventually resurfaces to settle a score of his own, setting off a bloody crime war between Asian mob rivals Chang (John Lone) of the Triad's and Yakuza boss Shiro (Ryo Ishibashi). When Jack and Rogue finally come face to face, the ultimate truth of their pasts will be revealed."

You see what I did there? THAT'S CALLED PADDING. The point is, that it's all Statham's fault.

JASON STATHAM.

Jason Statham first hit us in the faces with chin power when he showed up in Snatch. You can try to pretend like you saw him in Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, but you'd be a liar. You're not that cool. Nobody's that cool.

EXCEPT JET LI.

Jet Li saw this mass of Brit-man-mountain a mile away. AND HE SAW TROUBLE. You can't have Britons running around, Transporting, Snatching, Cranking, and Turning It Up. Jet Li doesn't approve of any of those things. Also, Jet Li kind of let it slide, but you can't expect to kill part of JET LI'S CHI and expect to not be PUT ON JET LI NOTICE. But Jet Li allowed it, because really, even if you lose a piece of infinity, you've still got infinity. AND JET LI HAS INFINITY POWER. Just like getting killed by MEL GIBSON, one of many things he has in common with Jesus, SENDING YU LAW TO THAT PRISON PLANET WAS ALL A RUSE.

At this point, you are asking, if Jet Li is so powerful, why would he need a ruse?

BECAUSE I JUST WANTED TO MAKE A PARAGRAPH FULL OF LINKS AND I COULDN'T THINK HOW TO END IT.

Long story short: JASON STATHAM HAD TO BE PUT DOWN. I'm just going to go ahead and ignore that JET LI is the so-called "bad guy" in WAR, since, if it's Jet Li's war, he gets to be whatever he wants, and the other guy is wrong be default. If you don't believe me, just hop over to Efficient Awesomeness and wait for the JET LI BOMB to drop. HE GONNA FUX A CELERY, HE GONNA FUX A STATHAM.

Let's not get off track.

Jet Li + Retirement = War (against Jason Statham).

RULE NUMBER ONE ABOUT JASON STATHAM: Jason Statham is a highly trained martial artist. Jason Statham is British. BRITISH PEOPLE CANNOT BE HIGHLY TRAINED MARTIAL ARTISTS AND JET LI KNOWS IT. British people have money, power, and tea. JET LI has all the kung fu. If a British person suddenly had kung fu, it would be like Rosa Parks never put flowers on that tank. It would be 1863 all over again. I speak of the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the Force. NOT THE KID FROM LIFE AS A HOUSE, I MEAN JET LI.


Bear with me as I crunch some numbers at you.

At the end of that classic film, The One, there were two Jet Li's. There was good Jet Li, who got to bone that lady from Sin City, and there was bad Jet Li (only bad relative to good Jet Li), who got to bone that prison planet full of bad guys for all time. BOTH JET LI'S APPROVED OF THIS SITUATION. But there was also STATHAM.

STATHAM had all of Jet Li's strengths, and none of his weaknesses, by which we mean he isn't short, isn't Asian, and he can speak English. So JET LI deigned to chill for a while, FAKE GO INTO RETIREMENT (taking care of that question) and see what this STATHAM would do with his powers. Perhaps the mantle could VERY BRIEFLY BE PASSED to this White Devil, at least until that Tony Jaa kid learned more English.

But what did THE STATHAM do? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HE DID.

He transported a mean machine to London where he fired off a revolver causing massive collateral damage. In the ensuing chaos, he snorted crank, did a job in Italy, planned a job in Brazil, and knocked over a bank, all in the name of the king while using up his cellular anytime minutes talking the Pink Panther into setting up a Death Race. He claims he was just answering the call of duty.

BUT JET LI KNEW BETTER.

For JET LI, the die had been cast.

FOR ANYONE WHO READ EVERYTHING BEFORE NOW, SORRY, HERE'S THE PART WHERE IT'S EXPLAINED WHY FEARLESS WASN'T JET LI'S LAST MARTIAL ARTS MOVIE.

GOLDEN RULE ABOUT JET LI RETIRING: Jet Li cannot retire until there is someone as good and strong as Good Jet Li in The One around to balance out the Bad Jet Li from The One. Since THE STATHAM lacked the moral Jet Li-itude to offset Bad Jet Li's bad Jet Li-tude, and since Tony Jaa can't talk English, GOOD JET LI FROM THE ONE HAD TO COME OUT OF RETIREMENT TO TAKE OUT THE STATHAM, WHO IS THROWING THE WHOLE THING OUT OF WHACK BY HAVING MORE BAD JET LI-ITUDE THAN GOOD.

So, in conclusion, Furcadia is the best game ever made. An earthquake or Godzilla attack just happened while I was writing this, so I have no idea what my original ending was going to be.

COMING SOON: FURCADIA - DESTROY ALL MONSTERS EDITION

How to Succeed in Hollywood.

STEP 1:

Move to Hollywood.

STEP 2:

Get a driver's license.


What's that you say? Step 1 and Step 2 should be reversed!? Oh my goodness, nobody told me. I guess this is going to be an uphill battle.

I began renting a place in Hollywood about a month and a half ago. I've yet to find a single source of income, and I suspect my lack of a car may be responsible. I did, however, see a girl throw up in the bushes right outside my window.


And so begins a journey into the highs and lows and, all the more likely, middles of living the glamorous life in Hollywood.

INFO ABOUT HOLLYWOOD, POORLY FORMATTED IN GLORIOUS RANDOM-O-VISION

1. Hollywood is a crap hole. If you're sitting back at home in Iowa, dreaming all those dreams about dreaming on the big screen, YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT BEVERLY HILLS. Do not move to Hollywood proper. Hollywood is a small area about a mile and a half square that is full of homeless people and camera rental shops. There is also a Target, which brings people up from down South.

RULE NUMBER 1: Move to Beverly Hills or Westwood. Do not move to Hollywood, North Hollywood, or even West Hollywood.

2. If you do move to Hollywood, make sure you have a car and that you know someone beforehand. Also, be able to live with no income for at least three months. There are hundreds of assistant jobs, promising "contacts" and "experience" most of which are just there to exploit you as slave labor. But some of them are okay.

RULE NUMBER 2: Become an assistant at a talent agency. Do not tell them you want to act or sing or dance or direct or produce or write. They don't care. Tell them you want to be an agent. You always have wanted to be an agent. Agenting is the most exciting thing you can possibly conceive of, and you want to do it more than breathe or poop. Is this a lie? Oh yes, very much so, but the truth is that no agent wants to be an agent either. It just happened. By becoming an assistant to these people, you will make contacts, and you need contacts.
NOTE ABOUT SYNERGY BETWEEN RULES NUMBER 1 AND 2: The reason you wanted to move to Beverly Hills is that A) it's nicer and B) that's where all the talent agencies are. There is nothing in Hollywood. Remember that. Except for CNN, Reader's Digest, and the Cinerama Dome. There are also a lot of post-production houses. BUT WHERE IS THE GLAMOUR IN POST-PRODUCTION.



OVERALL GOLDEN RULE FOR HOLLYWOOD: Hollywood, by which we mean the movie business, does not need you. It has thousands of people begging to be let in. You have to find what it is about you that stands out, and even ask yourself whether or not you'd be more happy making a blog from which you can hock used t-shirts.

RULE FOR THE GOLDEN RULE FOR HOLLYWOOD: Get a law degree and then prepare to have it mean nothing for the first 10 years.


COMING UP NEXT: HOW TO SUCCEED AS A CINEMATOGRAPHER WITHOUT EVEN TRYING